Bla

Avoidance is my best human skill.

Heart Slightly Melted

Instead of listening studiously through my exam reviews today

I daydreamed.

First of success(es) in track.

Images of myself zipping by with fire-like passion in my eyes. My hair bouncing determinedly on my back, as though it is the force pushing my body forward with barely a tap. My legs and their raw strength that can tare up the faceless wondergirl in the backstretch.

Secondly of the dance.

Gliding out in my crimson dress, my makeup flawlessly applied. Somehow I look different. People stop to see this strange newness. 'How can this be? She is so beautiful; with her eyes a wild and open blue and her perfect stride as she glides.' They will tell themselves that I have always looked this sweet. My armcandyness will overcome all.

Daydreams are a powerful thing. The can be created after a particularly straining speed workout or after a certain someone happens to throw a smile your way.

Daydreams are unattainable in the kind of way that makes you go insane. Yet somehow the keep us living in the moment- because whatever happens we can always pretend that the outcome is/will be exactly the one we want.

Clap Those Hands

Sad but true

I am happy

and I know it.

*clapping like mad*

More Than Less

Outstretched

She beats me in the back stretch

when the sun is at my back.

She is slimmer and taller,

every day she disappears and every evening she wains.

She holds secrets best of all

she never speaks to anyone but myself.

Sometimes I wish I could join her world

full of pebbles and unspoken rituals.

But it would a world doomed to half following, half leading.

And thats not a world at all.

Pathway to.... well.... nowhere at all....

You get a lead. You lose a lead.

Then you are right were you started.

With nothing gained

and nothing lost

but time.

The Past

Enough

You open the door

and greet me as I cross the threshold.

Everything comes back to me,

all that I am

and all that I am not.

The shock of reality hits me with a sting

like peeling off a crusty scab.

It has scar potential,

but seeing has healed anything that was broken.

For in your eyes I can see my own true face,

and it can love.

That One Person

I hate how one person can make/break your day. He can glance at me and look away or not even glance at all- and that ruins my day. Or he can say something to me in the passing which makes me feel ready to accomplish any goal.

Where is my control?

Assorted, Disentangled, Momentarily Confused Thoughts

Stick fish

are difficult to draw in the dark.

They crawl and bite at the pen,

it tries

and fails

and drowns.

At a moments notice.

I would jump in front of a car,

I would shave my head,

I would sing karaoke,

I would dance in front of the president,

I would bake a batch of cookies,

I would read 100 novels,

I would gain 20 pounds,

I would run 25 miles,

I would cry for several hours,

I would be there.

There is nothing as sweet as laughter tasted after sorrow. Nothing as hollow as rejection. Nothing as bleak as wasted time. There is nothing as shallow as a secret. Nor as blind as fog. Nothing as solid as protection, as indifferent as a smug smile, nor as selfish as tears. There is nothing that can be done, and nothing that can be undone.

We are stuck.

The path you seek. The path we find is the path we wanted to end up walking. It may not look like you expected. Be careful to walk slowly, watch for loose soil, careful in the sand. Do not follow or be followed. Do not linger, or run. Bushwhack when necessary.

The Player Being Played.

First off, men do not fall desperately at my feet, demanding my heart nor my love. So I do not really constitute as a "player". However, I do play games. I scheme quietly. Armed with the power of eye contact, abb muscles, and genuine interest.

Never underestimate the power of genuine interest. It is a skill born, not made. It earns you allies and builds friendships. It ruins grudges, first impressions, and occasionally a bad day. But if used for evil, it can destroy vulnerable hearts.

I always have been the controller. I prided myself on winning the game. Of being able to pull out before I got hurt. Of being able to say the way I felt, so that the pain was over quick. I never stopped to think- "What if others play this game as well?"

What if someone also understood this game of hearts?

Alert the press, I found one.

I think I about to be played?

Reflections on a year past.

I learned a lot of things in 'ol 2009.

like:

~how to play speed scrabble

~what coffee to order

~how to cry in public

~how to remember spanish vocab

~why physics is a two step song and dance

~how to dance dirty

~to embarrass myself

~to skim read

~to fail at many different things

~to laugh at said failures

~to run without reason

~to catch before falling

~to sneakily hold hands

~to break up

~to like country music

~to raise one eyebrow

To everything there is a season. A time and a place.

To be angry, and to forgive.

To be utterly downtrodden, and to be continually buoyant.

To pity oneself, and to take responsibility.

To judge, and to understand.

To dramatize, and to downplay.

To try ones best and fail, and to do less then the best and succeed.

To dream, and to live.

2009 contained all of these.