As we walk back under a rising moon, I look over to Nick. His brow is set. His jaw clenched. I used to take this expression as the birthing of a thought. But now I understand that it is the absence of such. He has this sort of calm, rather like the sleep mode of a computer. In this mode he is ready to talk about anything at a moments notice, but is not thinking of anything in particular. Walking with him in this state is like coming to a thought oasis for me. Normally my thoughts burn through my mind. They are not great thoughts, mind you, rather just run on and on and on kinds of thoughts. But my thoughts tend to peter down a bit when I walk with someone who is so utterly calm.
"I love you" he whispers into my ear. He gruffly rubs my shoulders and ruffles my hair. I kiss him one last time and then one more time. Which leads to one more. (I will pretend it stops at three kisses for the sake any friend reading this. I do not need to bore anyone with my stories of cute kisses that really make the reader want to curl up and be sick.) And we say good bye.
Whether it be a late night on the phone, a deep conversation, a back rub, a nap, a walk taken holding hands, a ice cream cone replaced, a moment taken, a kiss given, a tear dropped, or even a word spoken in a slashing way- I love that man. I did not ask to fall in love at 19. I do not even really want to be in this deep. However, I cannot help where we are, or who we are, or where we are going. Regardless of what happens- at this moment in time I love him. It is the most terrifying and exhilarating thing I know. I know others feel this way about other people, but I cannot help but feel that I am the only one in the world who can feel this intoxicatingly vulnerable. It makes the relationship seem priceless, when in reality it is remarkably common. Love, however expensive the cost to the heart, is readily available.
