Chin Up

Let me explain to you how I deal with any sort of problem- I, hard core, keep my chin up.  I turn cold, unobtainable, and untamed.  I swivel away from tears or any other sign of emotion.  Instead I smile.  Not in a mask like way one comes to expect from a girl.  There is no mask.  Only abandoned weakness.  This bizarre complex is not a product of a sad childhood, nor have I had anything in my life that would make me react like this.  Somehow I have turned into this carefree monster without taking the time to greave at a broken heart.   Are these hormonal feelings even worth the self containment that I am forcing on myself?  Would it not be easier to just let the sadness out?  These are valuable points.  And rather than answer them I will gracelessly skate over them.  

I like to play the hero.  To fix whatever dramatic occurrences present themselves.  I like to stand tall and strong.  To rein in and curb any amount of emotion that others (weaker than myself) have failed to do.  My general reaction to a broken heart is "break it again".  My second reaction to the small pieces of myself I am left holding after rejection- is "we can still be best friends".  Where does this inner strength come from?  Is it a blessing or a curse?  For once, I wish I could be less understanding of the world.  Less reasoned.  I wish I could get angry about friends not being there.  Or about guys who know me and don't like me.  But no.  It is always- "She just got a boyfriend.  She does not have time to spend with her pathetic, pessimistic, craving acceptance, bitter best friend."  It can't be easy to be friends with a cold stone.  And the guy I fall for.  "He knows me too well.  He cant help not having the spark for me."  He would not fall for someone as boring as myself.  So I sit here.  Instead of crying- I wallow in self pity.  But only on the inside.  Because on the outside I have my chin up.  Because of times before- I know that if I hold out long enough on the outside- that the inside will also grow again.  And it has begun.