A Combination of Things

Apprentice, kindness, personality, humor, intelligence. These are the things (in the order) that the guys around me rate as the necessities to a girl they like. In that order.

First of all I am quietly swearing under my breath, because I am pretty sure I have been accentuating these qualities in the opposite order. Secondly, I ask- who are they to judge. I do not see the most attractive, kind, amazingly funny or smart guys before me.

All I see is disappointment. But no longer is it the girls I am looking at but myself. Why have I been defining myself with the likes of men. No longer will I give pieces of my heart away to guys who seem to be okay. I will instead begin to ward off anything that comes my way. I know I have been there only for the chase. I will no longer do that. I will live for freedom again. Because guys at this point, to me, are not worth the struggle.

Fear of Falling

What do we wish for?

We wish to love and be loved. Unconditionally.

But it will never happen

unless someone takes the first step.

A Sabbatical From Men

Remember when I used to be free? I could walk around and not care about who was next to me, or who was watching me. But now I find my life cramped because of something called a "male". Not only am I being really, really dumb and letting them control my actions.

But I am also changing myself to fit in with their pathetic noncommittal lives.

Not anymore. I am going to wait for the serendipity of love to hit me across the face. I am going to wait for it and remain constant till it finds me.

In the mean time I am going to flirt, and laugh, and meet new people. Without worrying about anything else.

You Idiot

Boys are frustrating. 'Nough said.

Swinging Thoughts

Just For A Second

I gaze inside your eyes

wanting more than wishing.

Needing you

to stop reading into my body language.

Asking you to sift through the debris on my mind.

Begging you to at least take a try.

But instead you waver one second over the next

and never stop to question what

I really meant.

Journey

Sometimes we wander out of habit,

our muscles reflexively knowing what to do.

Sometimes we wander out of fear,

not knowing what to expect.

Sometimes we wander out of love,

we wait too long in the shadows

dreaming the seconds by

and bye.

Where Did Solid "Me" Go?

Sometimes my tears are tired of hiding

Tears of remorse

of confession

of regret

of understanding

of joy

of pain

of confusion

of wanting

of cold

of sleep depravation

I tuck them inside the corners of my eyes and pretend that they are not there.

But the thickness in my airway can't be driven back. I want to run faster than anyone could. I want to jump over a overhanging branch of impossible hight and hide in a trees arms. I want to swallow my ambition and lust for life and pretend it is not there. I want to leave my self behind in my past.

But the tears can't be stopped. I wish I could decide many things:

Which of the two great guys I fall for,

what events I will run for track,

if I will ever feel anything other than fear when I look on the face of love,

if I will ever get that chance,

if I will make it to state for my next season,

what people I will hang out with,

what I want to remember,

if I am a forgiving person or not.

Sometimes I hate being a hormonal teenage girl. But that is probably because I am chemically low right now and I will love the life I have soon enough. The inconsistency of it all threatens to stifle me. I wish I was not easily irritated.

Who am I, if I no longer have a team to lead?

Letter To a Friend

Dear friend,

You are always there. Running right next to me. Your long red hair billowing out in the wind.

Do you ever stop to think about the laughter? Do you ever wonder what next year will be like when I am not there?

We have started and ended everything together.

There is no one I would rather have striding next to me, than you. I wish you could see that love peering at you from behind my face. I am not cool, or smart, or beautiful. I am just who I am. I am silly, young, and at times very inappropriate.

I wish you could just see that I want to be there for you. And that when we run side by side, our hair swinging back and forth to the same rhythm, that we are equal. Despite our different ages, or different friends, our different ways of looking past life's surface.

I will always be there for you.

Because you are my sister. I could not give you any other name as dear as a sister. I love you for being you.