Shadow of Who You Were Once

There once was a love story here

I pick up the shards of where you smashed it.

It has been two years now since you have been alone,

one has moved on

after a long pause

the other floats with no direction.

How many scars the two of you have given each other.

I was there for the push and tugs of new beginnings

and the breakup over the phone.

What have you become? I, who was once dear to you both, wonder.

What are your dreams

Who matters to you

Where do the broken places no longer hold water.

I see one of you reach out a hand of friendship, and awkwardly make small talk.

The other seem to be far above awareness.

Still so caught up in yourselves, and ignoring those others who mattered once.

Pseudonym

"How are you and Nick?"

This question is asked of all who even have the faintest inkling that we were dating. My response is generally vague, or I tell some trifling worry I have at that moment. My focus suddenly leaves the conversation and wanders through a path of thoughts. I try to send out the message that I am not attached to him, while at the same time whispering in a small voice how deeply I love him.

It has become very hard to lie. Very difficult to bare my emotions. Very challenging to pretend that I would not be crushed if it fails. I keep waiting for the point to hit when I stop hiding. I am definitely not fooling anyone, but it somehow comforts me.

When I deny the love I feel for him, its like I am forming a pseudonym for my heart. Another name, where I can stay sheltered if this blows up in my face. It is like I could just slip into this other girl, one who does not love him, and I could pretend that this name also carries a hard heart.

Whoever ends up lifting my veil will lift this false name from my face. Until then, I am fine being able to slip into someone else if trouble arises and pretending nothing mattered.

Filling in silences

Sometimes blank spaces

do not need to be filled.

This is how it feels...

I never lose myself in a moment.

Or somewhere in your eyes.

I know exactly where I am.

Looking at you is like looking at the map on the side of a hiking trail

the 'x' tells you exactly where you are

and you can always see which way to take

to get you where you need to be.

There are no rushing colors, no butterflies, no gazes that make everyone else fade away.

There is me and there is you.

I am in love

rather than being just a feeling

it is a fact.

Not fragmented like a poem

nor is it complete like a paper.

There

is

n

o

ord

er.

But is that not how it should seem?

When others have left me breathless, you have filled me with breath.

You are not the reason I choose to live, because you are the one who helps me see all the other reasons.

I cannot really think of something more healthful, practical, or stable than that.

Not always fireworks

or long nights of longingly looking at the other

It is a hand held

words said

tumbling backwards with passion

laughing at clinking teeth

dreaming of the future

begging to go to sleep.