This question is asked of all who even have the faintest inkling that we were dating. My response is generally vague, or I tell some trifling worry I have at that moment. My focus suddenly leaves the conversation and wanders through a path of thoughts. I try to send out the message that I am not attached to him, while at the same time whispering in a small voice how deeply I love him.
It has become very hard to lie. Very difficult to bare my emotions. Very challenging to pretend that I would not be crushed if it fails. I keep waiting for the point to hit when I stop hiding. I am definitely not fooling anyone, but it somehow comforts me.
When I deny the love I feel for him, its like I am forming a pseudonym for my heart. Another name, where I can stay sheltered if this blows up in my face. It is like I could just slip into this other girl, one who does not love him, and I could pretend that this name also carries a hard heart.
Whoever ends up lifting my veil will lift this false name from my face. Until then, I am fine being able to slip into someone else if trouble arises and pretending nothing mattered.
i like this idea.
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